At 9:04PM The bank of paradise was entered by a masked assailant wearing giant chicken costume and wielding a gas powered chainsaw. Upon entry, the suspect immediately made a mad dashed to the left and pried open the ATM BANKING machine with a half eaten chicken bone even though witnesses described the deranged man had been holding onto a brief case and crowbar. Luckily the wolf in chickens clothing wielding a chainsaw was only interested in the machine, as he was solely focused on tampering with the machine; not giving a single ‘cluck’ about the potential witness. Nor did the suspect let out a single ‘peep’.

We must ask ourselves is our city safe? Is their a correlation between violent and petty crime with the recent gun stores and distribution of ammunitions and firearms? Many residents certainly believe so, such as Karl who is quoted as saying “The chicken that laid a bad heist robbed an empty ATM… so why wouldn’t they rob residents?” Karl stating this as he used a hen-kerchief to wipe a tear from his eye; and Karl was correct. The suspect escaped with a whopping coop of zero dollars. But what does this say about our city? Should Paradise City Residents be armed? I for one am with Karl, we should be up in legs about it.

A third theory may be the golden goose of this debacle; as one resident who wanted to remain nameless so we at the news titled him ‘Bradley Coop-er’. Bradley believe that their is an egg-celent potential correlation between the strange crates that have been recently discovered around the city. Crates reportedly carrying items such a hypodermic needles, strange leafy materials and other odd instruments. Coop-er an egg-centric believing that the crates may potentially being an indicator of drug smuggling within our cities confines.

Knowing this information are the residents of Paradise safe from Chicken Man? Will he come soon to rob us? Enter our homes wielding a chainsaw and chicken bone? Karl and Coop-er both agree it is better to be safe then sorry, to continue supporting our local firearms retailers, and “fry the sucker on sight”.